Category Archives: Random

Dec 03 2005
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CT Exploration, Random

Age and West Hartford

I’ve been thinking about my age lately, and maybe that’s not even the most accurate term to use: age. I think the better word might be: aging. I’m 32 now, and I love being an adult. I would never go back to being a kid for all the money in the world. I love being in (general) control of my life, making my own decisions, etc. But I think with many of my increasing life changes, I am becoming more and more aware that I am indeed aging. I know it is laughable to many people to hear a 32 year old talk about aging, but I am beginning to realize my mortality on a whole new level.

I’ve been pretty aware of my mortality since a pretty young age. Around four, I began to think about and figure out what death was. By my freshman year in high school, I tasted mortality by hearing of a girl who commit suicide. While I did not know her, it weighed on me for a long time. Finally, when I was 21, a 21 year old friend of mine drown in the Niagara River. He was Steve Kszan, a friend I had from Welland, Ontario. Not only was he my age and dead, but he was a really special person to me. As a teen, I was a perfectionist, in terms of what I expected of myself and others. Steve was one of the very few people who just made it okay to be human and fuck up once in awhile. When he died, I narcissistically mourned my own death. I say that, and I want to clarify that I was not consciously mourning my own death, but I became obsessed with how he died. I morbidly tried to picture or imagine what it must have fekt like to drown in that River. For those of you who do not know the River, he drown in the lower river, and the rapids there are so fierce, that if you go in the river, you do not come out alive. I researched the history, geology, and culture of the falls. I read so many books, the informative and the ridiculous. I wrote about it. I visited his grave on a regular basis. I even keep a doorknob he gave me. And again, I really think that I transferred the realization of his mortality onto the realization of my own.

So again, this is not a new concept for me. What’s new is I am a size 8 for the first time in my life. Yes, of course I could go exercise, etc. But my lifestyle change since I moved here, has prompted me to be more sedentary and to eat much worse. Yes, of course, I can and should take some responsibility for this and do something about it. But there are two undeniable parts to this: 1. my metabolism, my notoriously fast metabolism, is slowing down 2. I live in the suburbs.

I have detested the ‘burbs since I was a teen living in them. There is this isolation of the ‘burbs that is like ice. And it means I’ve hit an age — an age when one moves to the ‘burbs. Since I have moved here, I have been trying to like it. As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I have started getting the West Hartford News, which I have to say right now is a gossip rag. I’m sorry, but I have absolutely no need to know what is going on it the police blotter. It may be public info, and that is fine, but it should not be published in a newspaper. I suppose there is a good article or two once in awhile, but Cindy Basil Howard’s column is so vapid that I can’t even read it anymore. I began getting the West Hartford News because I wanted to learn more about the local politics. I think I was feeling a bit guilted into it. People always say that local politics affect an individual the most, but I disagree. When leaf day pick up is affects me to some degree, but only in the most insignificant way. Schools and public works are important. This is very true. But Blueback Square — honestly, if the right to an abortion is overturned, that affects me more than a shopping center in West Hartford. Whether or not my country is at war is much more important to me.

I thought about this for awhile, and I recalled that Northampton’s local politics cared about those more global issues. West Hartford is so insular. So far, that is my impression of the entire state of Connecticut. (Remember: being a Catholic means you get to blame your surroundings.) I love living in New England. I believe it is my favorite part of this country, But CT is almost not really New England at all. Yes it has the churches and fall leaves and a bit of snow, but it does not have the New England feel that I love. It has the dour New England feel, the let’s shut up and sweep it under the rug feel. I’d rather live in MA, VT, ME, or even NH, where you can live free or die. Northampton, even though it was in Western Mass, had a mix of this cosmopolitan feel and this small town community feel. God, do I ever miss that!

How does this make me feel like I am again, aside from the fact that my wrists hurt far too much? I feel like I’ve lost goals, like I’m not aiming for anything. I feel like my Connecticutian surroundings are stifling me and making me sedentary. Can I really blame the state? Or do I need to get off my tushy and do something? Okay, I think the answer is obvious. But dear CT, if you can find it in your heart, kick some opportunity in my direction, please. Have a goal roll by like a tumbleweed so I can chase after it.

Nov 25 2005
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Random

Look! My site got a face lift.

As you can tell by my gorgeous new layout, I’ve made a few changes. Or I guess more accurately, Sujal made a few changes, under my direction, of course. 😉 We figured the photo in the banner had to be of someplace in Connecticut, and this was taken at a West Hartford celebration. Is there are better place? So what do you think?

Nov 02 2005
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Random

Look! It’s Fievel.

So it turns out the flic An American Tail was right all along, according to this CNN report.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight, someone’s thinking of me, somewhere out there out where dreams come true.

Nov 02 2005
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Random

Theme for me

Okay, so I only seem to post once in a blue moon, but faithful readers, if there are any of you, please keep checking back.

Sep 18 2005
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Education, Literature, Random

Okay, Okay

So I’m not quite sure what my deal is… i have this blog, and I never seem to write on it. I’ll try to be better. In the wedding realm, Amy Sun got married last week, and she had her wedding at The Pond House Cafe in Elizabeth Park. It was a great ceremony and reception. They had a really fun DJ, too! Sujal and I have made no headway on our own plans, though many people have made some good suggestions after they looked at my last post.

School has begun in full swing, and already I am consumed with work. I am ecstatic that school has started, yet it never ceases to amaze me how quickly the whole cycle of being constantly behind kicks in. I have wonderful kids this year, as I did last year. One of my co-workers is teaching four preps this year, which is crazy, and me with my three preps this semester — I’m going nuts as is. Of course I’ve chosen to teach a book I’ve never taught before in one of the classes that is NOT new. It’s The Sun Also Rises which I read in high school and college, my favorite Hemingway novel. It is such a first novel, and I think that’s partly why it is my favorite. There’s a whole pool of people out there who believe that first novels are usually the best by an author. i think I may fit into that group. So many authors seem to retell their story. Beckett actually purposefully did this in his trilogy: Malloy, Malone Dies, and The Unnamable. Being well aware of the fact that so many authors just seem to retell the same story, he says outright that that is what he is doing. Aside from that, there are supposedly only so many plot-lines and they are merely recycled. It’s funny — sometimes I will watch a movie and think how mundane stories can be, even the somewhat more interesting stories. Sometimes I am almost bored by them, and yet at the same time, stories are what give me purpose. Literature is what I have. Perhaps this is a reflection on my state of mind rather than stories themselves. Reading stories is somehow different. I think the speeding up of a story in a film cheapens the story. Perhaps Beckett was getting bored by stories in some ways, too, which was maybe why he sought out to emphasize their repetitiveness. Perhaps I just want to be able to compare myself to Beckett. Anyway, The Sun Also Rises is a novel I really like, though I have never taught it. So I am dreaming up wonderful, and I mean wonderful, curriculum by the boatloads.

Finally, I had a social event on Friday. I went out for the first time in forever. I went to a Karoake bar here in West Hartford. I continue with my belief that CT is just a bizarre place. In some ways it reminded me of my grad school days hanging out with the poet MFAs at the WWII Club, their Friday night karoake. I suppose that was the case simply because it was karoake. In other ways it was this whole Connecticutified experience. And hmmmmmm, what does that even mean? I think that will be musings for another time. My old roommate, Roger, used to call me a contrarian. I think that may be so. I think I love to hate the place I’m in. Granted I never hated Noho, but maybe that’s because others there did. I do recall hating Minneapolis, where I lived with Roger. And now I feel nostalgia for the Twin Cities, though I know I do not miss the -25 degree winters. Brrrrrrrrr.

Aug 27 2005
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Random, Travel

Way Too Long

So it has been way too long since my last post. I’d been away for awhile, and actually I began posting, but got caught up in trying to find cool links for: Demolition Derby. So I had been away for a bit, with the culminating event of my “travels” being the Erie County Fair Demolition Derby. It is a cultural event like no other! My parents used to take me as a small child, and as a four year old, well I was scared shitless of the noise, the fires, and the smells. But as an adult, woo-hoo — it’s the rockin’est. I went to one at the Noho Tr-County fair a few years ago with some grad school friends, and we had such a blast drinking Icehouse beer and rooted for our favorite hunks of junk. So when i was going to Buffalo to visit my mom, I suggested we go to the Erie County Fair one, and she jumped on it. There is nothing in the world like watching a bunch of cars smash into each other on purpose. Mind you, I do not rubberneck when I pass accident scenes. I’m generally not a proponent of violence, though clearly violence IS the answer. My other had sold her older car the night before we went, and we were sure we’d see it backing up into another car in the ring. Alas, our hope and dreams went unfulfilled. On that same little vacation, I visited family at Long Beach in Wainfleet, Ontario. i looked for good links to that particular Long Beach to no avail. My family has been renting a cottage on Long Beach in Ontario for many years, basically since my maternal grandmother was a little girl. It’s a very special place to the people who go there, who apparently are not that internet savvy. You’ll have to trek on over there for yourself if you want to see it. The sunsets in August are amazing! I’ve heard they are even better in October.

Jul 28 2005
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Random

‘Twas a Lovely Night for Some

Last night Sarah called me shortly after the rain began to ask me if I wanted to come over to her apt. for a little hang out session with her and her kitty. She had to wait until after it started raining, so I would have to cross the treacherous sreet in the rain of biblical proportions. (I love hyperbole.) The puddles I splashed in on my way over were very warm, bath water one might say. Just before I left to go to her apartment, I sat on my porch eating some yummy ice cream, watching the rain and the lightning, lightning that was obviously very closeby. The sound came with the flashes.

About 45 minutes later, we went out for dinner, and when we came home, the rain had stopped. Traffic lights had gone to a default blinker, and surprisingly, Connecticutians were driving in a fairly sane manner unlike their usual driving habits. Sujal was watching TV when Sarah and I came in, deciding it was a perfect night to sit on the porch and enjoy a cocktail. I was pulling out the gin and vodka when the lights went out. Who knew how long they’d be out. We light a candle, and the three of us sat on the porch enjoying the quiet — no air conditioners, no TV’s, no electronic hum of any kind. Around 10 or so, our neighbor turned on his generator, now the only sound of electrical humming, yet even so, it was a pleasant sort of white noise. The night was like being in a 98.6 degree womb, if only my mother would let me back in!

Jun 23 2005
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Random

Wow, My First Post

Sujal, I have a feeling you are so proud of me for joining the ranks of the blogging world. First thing I’d like to do is explore why I chose to start this blog. I know Sujal gets bummed when I don’t want to post on Fatmixx.com, but it does not really feel like my space, which is sort of funny when you think about cyberspace. What is space…? oh such a deep, deep question.

Some of my general, not well thought out, goals are to simply have a place to write and then to actually write. Perhaps this blog will be something like a journal space. When I’ve seen other blogs, which are not that many, I like the sort of edginess that seems to be akin to blogging. Perhaps that is because I’ve chosen to read edgier blogs. But Sujal showed me an interesting blog: Pandagon, and I think I got a sort of romantic notion of blogging. The post I read dealt with being a modern day feminist and how to split up the household chores. I can’t saw that this is entirely romantic, yet there’s still a little sparkle for me. Part of me wonders what I will write about on a daily basis, and part of me thinks that it gets easier when there are other things to respond to. Anyway, this is my big start, so wish me well.

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